My internet presence

DEATH

2008-02-20T13:08:56Z

An excerpt from my written journal:
Today - Wendesday 20-02-08 approx. 18.30

'I WATCHED A WOMAN DIE TODAY. I watched "nurses" try to revive a dead corpse. I watched police collect information. I watch an ambulance pull up over 20 minutes after the call. The dispatch is 5 minutes away. I watched from across the street as they removed her clothes and used AED to bring a pulse to her heart, which had not been beating for 20 minutes or more. I should have done something more...I only watched.
Her skin was purple, her eyes rolled back, her mouth had froth at the corners. Her lungs were full of fluid, I could hear. [As it looked] She may have been pregnant, I don't know. All I'm sure of is that she was gone. [I watched her leave, watched her eyes roll back in her head]....I should be disturbed by this. Her family, she had a young infant son and a father, will attend a funeral to mourn her death. This woman, who should remain nameless to me [Gabrielle, I can't pretend I don't know it], was once with life. I wonder why it was taken away from her. It seemed so unnatural, the scene:
At the foot of the mountains, beside a parking lot, a car veers off the road and there's a woman inside, siezing. Ten minutes later, her breathing stops. Two minutes more, no pulse. Was it drugs? Disease?
How? Why? Does fate control when a person and how a person dies or is it under human control? Could someone have done something differently? [Could I have done something differently?], would this person have lived? If I had said something about how the girl was doing CPR (I don't think she was pushing hard enough) would the result be that this woman cam back, survived? *Maby if I hadn't been there she would have lived?*
I feel numb. I should talk to Ms. Martino.'

The realest of reality and I felt out of control. I couldn't think, I couldn't act, I was calm and collected but inefective. What the fuck was I supposed to do?!!?!?!

Jaron - I hope you read this and can help me

2008-02-02T06:11:33Z

Okay, so randomly out of nowhere, ten hours before I'm supposed to leave, my computer decides that it just doesn't want to work properly anymore. I get an error message reading:
bcmwltry.exe (a file associated with my wireless card) - unable to locate component:
This application has failed to start because MFC71.DLL was not found. Reinstalling the application may fix this problem.
Well I didn't think to bring my wireless installation cd and I can't connect to the internet since my wireless program won't start so I'm screwed. I've tried everything, including installing my brother's wireless card on top of mine. I can't get on the internet. I'm number 69 in line to speak with a Dell Tech right now on my dad's computer and I'm supposed to get on a greyhound in seven hours. Perfect fucking timing!

Its been a while

2008-02-01T22:39:59Z

Since I last posted, over a year ago, I have experienced a lot. To summarize, I am now a Marine Biology/Environmental Science Major/Chemistry Minor student at UNCW. I work at the university's Discover Outdoors Center, facilitating challenge courses, working at the climbing wall in the rec center and leading kayaking and other adventure trips. I receive a lot of training while working, some of which being outdoors skills, leadership, medicine, and many life lessons. I'm grateful for this opportunity. I also volunteered at the aquarium last summer, which helped me decide to become Scuba certified. I took a class at UNCW, then went to Florida on MLK weekend to take my skills assessment and open water dives. Over this past Christmas break, my roommate got a puppy. It was only six weeks old when he brought him home. I spent the last month babysitting and training him and I love him. He's so intelligent and obedient and sooo cute. There are pictures up on facebook - http://uncw.facebook.com/photos.php?id=587057561 - .
Now I leave for Australia tomorrow to study abroad. I'm very excited about it. A bit nervous, but more excited than anything. The few vague expectations that I have, I expect them to be inaccurate. I really have no idea what lies ahead of me and I love it. My plans are limited to travel accommodations and the fact that I'm going to be in Cairns, Australia on February 19th to go to school. Along the way, I don't know where I'm going to sleep at night or what I'm going to eat or who I'm going to meet. I know I am leaving tomorrow morning at 8am on a greyhound from Charlotte, NC to Los Angeles, CA. It will take almost two and a half days to ride across the country. I'm bringing two books, some magazines, my laptop with 18Gigs of music, some xanax and my flask. When I get to LA, I'm meeting up with my friend Jaron who's living in/near Santa Barbara right now. I'm staying in LA for two nights and then on Wednesday I'm flying to Brisbane, Australia. I'm staying there for ten days before I fly to Cairns. And that is the extent of my plans.
I'm kind of numb to it all right now. I don't like getting upset about things like leaving familiar places and faces so I try to...well, I'm not ignoring it...its hard to explain. I'm sad to leave my boyfriend and my roommates and my family and my cats and my puppy but I'm really okay with it. I'll be back in the states in five months and they will have changed and I will have changed. So it will be more like meeting more new people than seeing old people again. In my opinion at least. It happens every time I leave a place for a good amount of time: the people I expected to come back to were different and I had to "meet them" all over again. I noticed it especially with close friends like Bob and my boyfriend Anthony. Over a year or so, a person can change their appearance, ideas, opinions, morals, supply of knowledge, etc to an extent that they have become like a new person. Its an interesting thing to observe. I'm excited to see who my puppy, Dusty, becomes in six months. I'm excited to see who I become....

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

2006-08-28T22:54:20Z

WHY do I do these things when I know they'll turn out bad before I do them? I must be out to get me. Thats it! Damn you Nicole! Always trying to hurt me!
I owe one credit card $570, another over $700, I have to pay my car payment, insurance payment and cell phone bills before the 11th of September. Still I sit on my ass all day watching movies and staring at the computer montior dong nothing cept drinking a lot and stuffing my face, while I could be out looking for a job. I mean, to be honest I did apply at three places but I shouldn't be so picky when I need money so badly. Its just that I don't want to wake up every morning miserable and dreading the day ahead of me. I'm happy lately. I enjoy being happy (as do most people, i suppose) and not having to go to some menial, torturous job everyday helps me stay bright and happy....but these stupid credit companies and banks keep giving me 1000-2000 dollar spending limits and I, like a fool, bite the bait thinking 'oh, i'll be working soon enough.' I've already borrowed $800 from my mom for books and setting up my apt, I can't ask for any more. I haven't had a job since June and its been great but its time to buckle down and be miserable again. The vacation was much needed and much appreciated but its over now, Nicole. Suck it up...Goddamn it. I just hope I can handle 17 credits at school and a job at the same time. Thats another reason why I was procrastinating around getting a job so soon, to figure out how much I could handle without stretching myself too thin and causing a major burnout. I have ambitions now. I know what I want to do with my life. I want to and am looking forward to three more years of school to get my bachelors degrees in both Marine Biology and Environmental Science and then to work and finance my way through Graduate school in the same fields. I want to work in the water, on the water, playing, observing, collecting samples, doing tests and experiments, I want to make a difference or be a part of a team that has the same goals as I do. That will make me happy, I think. I will get to travel. I will be earning my own living instead of mooching off my parents. I will finally make them proud and give them back everything that they've sacrificed for me for the past 20 years. Another goal of mine, while I'm on the subject, is to learn how to fly a plane. In the next ten years or so. I want to bring my dad up into the air in a litle sporty prop plane like a cessna turbo skylane or something like that....he wanted to join the air force when he was young, it was his dream to fly planes but he'd never gotten the chance because the air force denied him due to his poor eyesight and he didn't have the money to learn on his own. I want to give him that experience, I want to teach him to fly. Plus, I, myself, think it would be totally rad to be flying up there in the sky, 20k miles above the earth, up with the birds and the clouds. I love it up there, nearly alone, soaring above the world I hate...when I have the dough, I definitely am going to persue that. I finally feel like I am in the right place, on the right path, in the direction I want to be travelling. I wish I weren't alone in it but if that's what I have to do, so be it. I can do it. I can do anything I put my mind to....almost....I still can't do cartwheels..... But I feel like getting off long island was a fresh start for me. There, everyone I knew associated me with the drug scene or the delinquint scene or whatever from my high school mistakes. Well, i don't think they were mistakes as much as necessary experiences on the road to becoming who I am today and who I'm to become in the future. Anyway, I can make new friends down here and I will try my hardest to make the right decisions and maybe be more particular about who I get attached to (ie. don't become friends with dopeheads because you see the beautiful soul trapped inside and you want to save them). Yes, its time to focus on me and where I'm going. Learn who I really am, because up until this point I haven't been too sure....
I just realized that I'm rambling really badly...Time to wrap it up. Unitl next time folks -- xoxo

I think it described be pretty well

2006-08-24T01:30:13Z

You have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until you know a person well. You keep your warm side inside, like a fur-lined coat. When you are care, you care deeply, but are more likely to show your feeling by deeds rather than words. You are very faithful to duties and obligations related to things or people you care about.

You take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by your inner ideals and personal values. You stick to your values with passionate conviction, but can be influenced by someone you care deeply about. Although your inner loyalties and ideals govern your lives, you find these hard to talk about. Your deepest feelings are seldom expressed; your inner tenderness is masked by quiet reserve.

In everyday activities you are tolerant, open-mind, flexible, and adaptable. If one of your inner loyalties is threatened, though, you will not give and inch. You usually enjoy the present moment, and do not like to spoil it by rushing to get thing done. You have little wish to impress or dominate. The people you prize the most are those who take the time to understand your values and the goals you are working toward.

You are interested mainly in the realities brought to you by your senses, both inner and outer. You are apt to enjoy fields where taste, discrimination, and a sense of beauty and proportion are important. You have a special love of nature and a sympathy with animals. You often excel in craftsmanship and the work of your hands is usually more eloquent than words.

You are twice as good when working at a job that you believe in, since your feeling adds energy to your efforts. You see the needs of the moment and try to meet them. You want your work to contribute to something that matters to you-- human understanding, happiness, or health. You want to have a purpose beyond your paycheck, no matter how big the check. You are perfectionists whenever you deeply care about something, and are particularly suited for work that requires both devotion and a large measure of adaptability.

The problem for you is that you may feel such a contrast between your inner ideals and your actual accomplishments that you may burden yourself with a sense of inadequacy. This can be true even when you are being as effective as others. You take for granted anything you do well and are the most modest of all the types, tending to underrate and understate yourself.

It is important for you to find practical ways to express your ideals; otherwise you will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. If you find no actions to express your ideal, you can become too sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in yourself. Actually, you have much to give and need only to find the spot where you are needed.

reference to the past entry

2006-08-24T00:29:31Z

A few years ago I was friends with a real cool girl named katie. I'm not very good at being a friend to people, her included, and to top it off I insulted her after we hadn't spoken for months. I miss her and wish I didn't fuck things up. Theres other poeple who I wish I hadn't parted on bad terms with as well, some of them I miss and some of them I don't. Anyway, I just hate ending a relationship with negative feelings because it lingers, you know?

time travel

2006-08-23T00:48:37Z

It would be really convenient if one were able to go back in time and fix the things one did that totally ruined an awesome relationship with another individual. Then one wouldn't have to deal with those awful and unpleasant emotions they call regret and guilt...T'is a shame, t'is a shame...

new word :-)

2006-08-22T00:51:58Z

Violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets nobody left to be violent towards......

Morning news

2006-08-21T17:17:26Z

I think our internet access is censored. I wasn't able to view a few islamic pages that I had addresses for...

Today's top stories:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/21/world/middleeast/21mideast.html?th&emc=th

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/21/world/americas/21venez.html?th&emc=th

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5269688.stm

Burn Things

2006-08-16T03:06:40Z

I like fire

>:-D = maniacal grin

Day three

2006-08-14T18:20:03Z

Today is Monday. I got here, at my new apt in Wilmington, Saturday evening. Later that night my boyriend, Noofer and I went to pick up beers and relax at the beach for a while after our long drive. It feels sooooo amazing to be back on the water. I can't say why but I just feel lost when there isn't an ocean nearby. We all went back on Saturday to try and find some nugs and Noof was checkin out the college girls, although I'm surprised how few there were. Maybe because school hasn't started yet and its still vacation season for rich families. Anyway, my mom, my brother and the boys all left Sunday and I've been kickin it here in my apt since then. I think I've already blown through about $250 on necessities and groceries. I don't know how they expect a person to make it on their own in this god forsaken world. I wish my boyfriend could've moved out here with me. He'd love it here and we'd be able to collaborate resources and, above all, be together. Oh well, before long he'll be finished with school and hopefully he'll be able to join me. I do like this place, a lot. Its a cozy apt with a big bathroom and bedroom. The kitchen and living room could be bigger but considering I can't afford to buy furniture, I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's equipped with central air and heating, the shower gets scalding hot (++) I've got plenty of storage space, cabinets and drawers...its a nice little place for the price. I'm kinda not liking the lack of windows and lighting. I'm going to have to buy some lamps. Its too dark and gloomy in here. Unpacking is a bitch but at least it's keeping me busy. I was afraid I'd go stir crazy with nothing to do and no friends in a strange place. Today I went to the store and bought a wireless internet card and am currently mooching off my neighbor's modem, heh heh heh. 40 bucks for unlimited internet access, not a bad deal. I'm missing Kings Park less and less as the days go on. Except for the people and the familiarity, there isn't much there that isn't available down here. In fact its eerily similar. Only difference is I'm on the ocean, not the sound. The surf is much better and I get the ocean breeze at my apartment in the mornings. I'm dying to get a boat to take out on the water. That reminds me, I've got to find a job.....

Mother

2006-08-11T02:50:14Z

I think nature is truely magnificent. Nothing comes close the the awesome power of mother nature. Today I spent the afternoon wandering nature trails in the Latta Plantation Nature Preserve. It ticks me off that people consider land veined with power lines, trails, paved roads and buildings a "piece of wilderness". It might be protected from certain damage and abuses that have demolished a large portion of our planet but it is in no way wild.
Anyway, my walk was enjoyable (aside from my crippling menstrual cramps). I spotted a few of the coolest little frogs I've ever seen. They camouflaged to the environment they were chillin' in and were only about the size of my third metacarpal on index finger. I also caught a glimse of this wicked spider. It was huge! Like the size of my fist huge. He was sittin on this monster web he made in this old tree stump. There were also some raptors and falcons and stuff flying above my head. There's a big lake down at the end of the peninsula, I think it's lake Wylie. I want to kayak it sometime later in the season, when it's cooler out. To top off my day of natural thrills, there was a sick thunderstorm rolling in as the sun set. THe lightning was doing this fabulous branching phenomena through the clouds in the sky. It would flash in the distance three times and then BOOM - a regular lightening bolt from the ground to the sky would turn horizontal and create a giant electric tree in the sky. This went on for about two hours. First I experienced it hanging out by lake Norman and then I went back to my boyfriend's apt and climbed onto the roof, attempting to take pictures. I don't think I captured any, though. Overall good day.
I miss my boyfriend. I wish he'd get back fromt he store already. He seems funny towards me lately. I wonder what I'm doing wrong....

1 week

2006-08-07T00:57:13Z

I've been down here in North Carolina for over a week now. Its already startin to feel like home. Too bad I have to move again in another week and do it all over again, this time alone. Oh well, I'll will survive!!!! I'm kinda excited to get back on the beaches. I'm not fond of being this far from the ocean. I grew up on the water, it feels unnatural to be so far away. Went skeet shootin yesturday and this afternoon. Had a lot of fun even tho I sucked. Shot my boyfriend's and his friend's 12 guages and a .38 pistol. Much different than just shootin off bb's at tin cans. I want to go again before I leave. I also want to visit the library around here and read up on this stuff 'cause when they all talk about guns and huntin and shit I'm completely lost. I ask questions and stuff but I'm afraid of gettin on their nerves with too many of them.
It rains here every night. I like it.

I like cheese, too. The end.

Bored

2006-07-30T18:50:14Z

North Carolina is pretty fuckin dull. My boyfriend's down here and that's cool. Most of his friends are pretty chill people, but most all they ever talk about is cars and bikes and motors and stuff. I wish I were 21 so I could get into bars and meet new people. I also wish I knew my way around, I keep gettin lost :-/. Kinda homesick too. I miss my bedroom and the psych center and the bluff and all the people up in NY that I left. I feel guilty too because I don't want to stay at my parent's new house with them because we have no furniture and it makes me sad to be there, but they miss me and my brother is locked up in the house by himself grounded 'cause he got in trouble for drinkin and lyin about where he was. My fam is mad stressed out and shit and the house is too tense to tolerate so I'm always out. But I'm tired of goin out drinkin with my boyfriend's friends and there's nothing else to do. I can't wait to go to Wilmington and move into my own apartment. I've heard from a few friends that the people there are real chill, most of the guys surf and everyone rides bikes around. I wanna get a boat so badly, I'm savin up for a downpayment and I gotta find a job so I can pay for financing. I can't do anything until I get out there though, so I've got two weeks to kill. I think we're all going down to the lake now so I'm out.

Living in NC

2006-07-27T02:23:55Z

Just got to my parent's new house. Its pretty big. Central air is a great plus. I have a million boxes of junk that I don't want to unpack. Im really tired from the drive. Going to bed. Good bye.

Moving

2006-07-25T16:31:33Z

Okay, today is the day. I'm leaving for North Carolina sometime this fine tuesday. Goodbye Kings Park. Goodbye Long Island. Goodbye New York. Hope all goes well down there. I'm sort of excited about going. Not so excited about moving into a strange city and getting an apartment on my own, but its cool. I'm sure I'll find some really cool people down there. My cousin, who has had a house there, says the people are all really relaxed and friendly and a lot of them like surfing and water sports and shit. I want to get a boat after I get settled in. So yea, I guess I am pretty happy about moving. Its a lot cheaper down there and I get to start fresh. I hate the people on this stupid island. I'll miss a few of them and they'd better come to visit me but it'll all fall into place. Kay, time to pack. TTFN

lost_hopeful @ 2006-07-18T22:28:00

2006-07-19T02:31:44Z

copied from Hannah's livejournal for convenience so apologies for anything that makes little sense in context because it's all from Hannah's point of view (and oh gosh this is Hanna typing this right now ftw!).

We got here around 2pm on Sunday. The drive was long but fun. We listend to A LOT of Modest Mouse, Antibalas, Man Man, Talking Heads and other things but I forget what. While driving it seemed to take forever but once we arrived it felt like it was nothing. We lazied around for a while and I was shocked I didn't just pass out because we drove 7 hours on only 4 hours of sleep. We went downtown around 4 or 5 to see the buskers. It was cool but they were all mostly packing up and going home so we didn't see too much except for drumline, which I love. We went into a bunch of new age shops and they're always pretty cool. Went to a book store and got a book on Canada and what to do here. Saw a Cat Power cd for $35, and as much as I love Cat Power it made no sense to me. Came home, had sausage and roasted veggies and it was good. Nicole put on waking life but I feel asleep quick becaue it wasn't putting me in the best mood.

Woke up early Monday, Nicole put on Waking Life again and I feel asleep right away again. I woke up just as it was ending. I laid in bed for too long but Jordan wound up calling me which made me really happy. We left for Ottawa around 12pm, got there around 2:30pm after getting lost on the "sceinic route" which really just means "residential area." It was hot and I was tired so I didn't enjoy it that much. I felt bad cause I really did want to enjoy it but I kind of just couldn't. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe and split a BLT and for the first time legally order an alcoholic beverage. Unfortunately what I ordered was kind of gross and I only finished half of it. After we finish the sandwich we order the "Dirty Banada" which is a staff created drink and it was AMAZING. I wrote down the ingredients and hope to make it at home sometime. After that we walked around a little and I found some stuff I really wanted to buy but didn't and I regret it now. We drove to a different part of the city and talked to some protesters outside of the capital building. They were nice. Then we watched people operate the lock system and it was really kind of awesome and everyone was speaking French and I was jealous. Then we walked through the park and Nicole tried to walk across the bridge but didn't go the whole way. I was glad though cause some shady looking dude kept hanging around where I was sitting and it was making me really nervous. So we left and he kind of followed us so we just picked up the pace and didn't think of him. We saw some rabbits just chilling in the grass and they weren't even afraid of us and I wanted to take pictures of them so bad but the battery in my camera was dead. Oh well. We chilled on the grass for a while and shady dude came by with a friend and started talking to us about how we just "carry our camera's around but don't take pictures." Shady dude's friend was nice but shady dude was too grumpy and negative and I wanted him to go away. We eventually headed back to the car, go lost trying to get home, went in circles and ended up in some place that EVERYTHING was in French. We got home around 10:30pm, Nicole put on Virgin Suicides while I went outside to talk to Jordan on the phone again and then I fell asleep pretty much as soon as I got back in the house.

Today we just walked around downtown. We got lunch at some place that has to do with Grizzly Bears but I forget exactly what it was called. Then we walked down the street, got ice cream and batteries for my camera then took the ferry over to Wolfe Island. While on the ferry some old guy started talking to me for wayyyy too long about how everyone takes everything for granted and I really didn't care. I think he took the ability to speak for granted by wasting words. We didn't stay on Wolfe Island for very long cause there isn't a whole lot to do anyway. When we got back we went to the liquor store and I got Jordan some absinth, and for myself I got a bottle of Belvedere vodka, different kinds of Khalua, and a bunch of mini things. I might go back tomorrow and get some wine or something, I'm not sure yet. After that we went to a glassblowing studio and I got some earrings and a necklace and some other stuff from there. I wish I had had more money cause so many of the things I saw there were so awesome and I wanted to take it all home with me. I want to learn how to blowglass now. It's beautiful. We went to the car after, looking like alcoholics I bet with our big boxes of alcohol. We wanted to stop at the farmer's market but we didn't, mostly due to lack of funds. Came home, relaxed outside till it started to rain in heavy amounts, ate burgers and listened to Led Zeppelin and Islands. Now me and Nicole are planning out our day for tomorrow.

Tomorrow we're going to spend the day in Toronto, stay in a hostel tomorrow night then heading Niagra Falls the next morning (Thursday), check out the falls and then head home.

What happened?

2006-07-14T19:29:42Z

I think the world has gone mad. It was a gradual degression into insanity and recently hit the fan. Fasten your seatbelts folks, its going to be a hell of a ride. Emphasis on the 'HELL'. I bid you adieu.

Just kidding. It seems I have more to say. Bush is a pathetic fucking prick of a president. I STILL can't tell if he's a dunce or if they've got him drugged or something. How....just how?!?! We're fucked! That's it! Doomed! We're trapped here in this godforsaken country with noone protecting us. Nobody else wants us 'Bad Americans' within their borders and our own government is only protecting its own interets, even if that means bringing on the apocalypse. Get ready to defend yourselves, kids. Its a good thing that guns and ammo are as simple and inexpensive to purchase as buying tampons in this country, huh?

"War is a stupid waste of everything!"

"You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye,
when the earth folded in on itself
and said good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there but i wouldn't hold my breath.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?"

plans for the near future

2006-07-07T01:48:15Z

saturday (8th) - foreverman & joebrown at west babylon VFW, sheesha with sheldon
next thursday (13th) - six flags!!! You should come!
next saturday (15th) - siren fest at Coney Island
next sunday (16th) - Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when I get home (between 20th and 23rd) - driving to my new home in North Carolina :-/

Bonnaroo

2006-06-20T22:26:33Z

Alright, so I went to Bonnaroo this past weekend...didn't exactly go as planned but I still had a lot of fun. I'm dissapointed that it was cut short. I got there a day and a half late, missing a bunch of bands that I would've loved to see including Ben Folds, Bright Eyes and Oysterhead :-(. I did get to see Damien Marley, Buddy Guy (who I'd never heard of before, awesome blues artist), Radiohead, Matisyahu (sp?), Moe, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones (fuckin crazy). I had an awesome time, although I'm not too into dancing and my boyfriend is which made me feel like I was holdin him back from enjoying his time there. Sunday night I decided to dose myself and Ant. I wound up wiggin out, which was embarrassing and traumatic. I did a bunch things (which will remain untold) that I wish I could go back in time and take back. So all in all, I was only really there for a day and a half, not including the time I spent tripping because I really wasn't all there.
Concequently, I've made a resolution to myself: no more acid. In fact, no more drugs at all besides pot and alcohol (which, btw, I'm cutting back on). No more dealing either. I don't think I fit in very well at Bonnaroo. I felt out of place most of the time I was there. I had fun but...I just don't know. There's just a part of me that felt wrong, awkward.
Oh well, it was a good time anyway. I got to see my boyfriend, which was great. I love every second I spend in his presence. Its horrible only seeing him a few days every month or so. It hurts so badly. Its become so that I feel more comfortable talking with him on the phone than being with him personally. Thats a wierd feeling to have towards someone you love more than anything in the world. I just don't know how to act around him anymore. He's different, I'm different...there's no time to adjust to one another and get familiarized before its time to leave again. Its breaking my heart. I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to give up on the whole thing. But the thought of that hurts even more. I'm torn over it. What does one do in a situation like this? I'm moving a little closer to him in a month, but even then I'll be four hours away and preoccupied with school and work and extracurricular activities and I won't be able to see him as often as I'd like. Its just not fair and it won't stop eating away at me....
Enough bitching, I have a ton of homework to finish since I didn't do diddlysquat all weekend.
TTFN

Drug Induced Rambling....

2006-06-14T03:29:35Z

The drugs numb...sometimes;
At other times, they knaw and claw and prod:
Find that one spot of sanctity and violate you;
Occationally they induce a state of deepened trance:
No Thing matters while Every Thing matters, simultaneously.
Life is one neverending riddle of comical yet tragic irony,
Mixed with valuable lessons that ought be given utmost attention.
Ask questions, seek many sources for answers.
Never believe them, but analyze and formulate your own opinions.
There is no right or wrong.
Embrace creative mind, for it is the source of human progression.
Art. Thought. Real, True THINKING
Love, Hate, Jealousy, Anger, Joy....
Emotions, Reflexes, induce immediate uncontrollable responses (you think)
....pause...ponder...rationalize...reason...
Act for the better. For all.
We are, as individuals, just dust in the wind.
You can only control your own actions.
Your actions affect the actions others take.
Be that first dominoe.
Be somebody.

School Sucks

2006-06-13T22:35:48Z

Today was the midpoint of summer semester. Just two and a half weeks more to go, Nicole. C'mon now, we can do this. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Reading Othello (aka torture) in Lit, making speeches (scary) in Communications, learning MATH (EVIL) in Statistics....I can't take it anymore! Why on earth did I leave these three until last. I'm an idiot! I wish I could go to Bonaroo and stay down south. Never come back. But I'm half way done. Two and a half more weeks and I'll have that piece of paper in my hand. Its more work than I bargained for. All of my friends are leaving for Bonaroo tonite....I wish I could go with them. Travelling alone is not much fun. But atleast I'm going. I had this crazy dream the night before last that I missed it. It'd be a nightmare if it comes true.
I'm lonely. Nobody likes to play with me :-( I did it to myself. This is what focusing on making money and doing well in school gets you...no friends. Whats a life without good company? Whatever, I've never been able to maintain a friendship anyway. I'd find a way to fuck it up sooner or later, so might as well not bother trying. Can't lose something you never had...right? I'm reluctant to form any new relationships at this point, anyway. I'm leaving in less than a month, so there's no point. I'll just be adding people to the list of those I'll miss after I leave. I'm no good at this thing they call life. I'm about ready to...

Q
U
I
T

Ah, stop wallowing in self pity you wuss.
Nothing better to do.
There's plenty.
Okay, show me. Let's go.
:-\ (Yes, I'm just talking to myself)
(Yes, I may be crazy)

Dog Eat Dog, Everyday. On our fellow man we prey.
Dog eat dog, to get by. Hope you like our genocide...

I just don't get it...am I missing something????

patient

2006-06-04T01:05:42Z

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... (sigh) ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

???

2006-06-03T01:47:00Z

Anybody heard of Lyndon LaRouche?

Statistics sucks!

Life is so....strange to say the least, unfair, curious, unusual, surprising, ironic, obnoxious, dull, predictable, mysterious, exhilarating, fulfilling, terrifying, aggravating, hellish, light, meaningful, heavan-like, dark, pointless, torturous, intriguing, overwhelming, and damned confusing....

P.S. - if one wanted to have insight into my life without resorting to reading a silly online journal, one would have to take interest in the aforementioned topic (my life) by participating in a genuine conversation....

time flies

2006-05-29T01:14:55Z

you know summer is near when the neighborhood begins to echo with the sounds of fire crackers and drunken middle aged men. gee whiz, i really do love summertime in suburbia. honestly i do.

I was thinking to myself at the bluff today (because i had no one else to exchange ideas with) and I can't come to any conclusion as to why I've got this incessant idea that things should remain the same. Why am I afraid of change? Change can be a good thing. Change will be a good thing. I'll move closer to my boyfriend and it will cost less money to live and I'll be attending a school that I actually enjoy going to, with any luck. Why the apprehension, then? I don't understand. I'm not happy here. Here sucks. There should be better. Yes, I will be happy there. And even if I'm not, it'll be a new experience under my belt and I can move on from there. I HAVE to get off this Island.

The last month and a half I'm here are going to be quite eventful. [I think i just swallowed a fish bone....anyway....] Tuesday school starts up: M T W Th 1015-230 and then 815-1015. For five weeks. My last day at the King is the 11th. That will give me time to pack up my room and have a garage sale and go to BONNAROO. I'M SOOOO EXCITED! OOOBER EXCITED! I'm flying down to Charlotte and then driving into Tennessee with Ant. I've got six fat tabs of L saved for the weekend, though I'm sure we'll find more when we're there. The weekend after Bonnaroo it looks like I might be going to Canada, which would be fucking sweet. That would be the first time in my life I'd ever get drunk legally. I'm really looking forward to going, and not just for the drinking age. June 29th is the last day of classes and the next day I plan to head west towards Colorado. After that, the plans dwindle until mid-August when I have to start looking for an apt in Wilmington where I'll be going to school in the Fall. No idea what for. I don't have a schedule made. I haven't even applied to any specific program. I just know I was accepted to the school and that I accepted their acceptance. I'm a little weary about this whole college thing but, hey, its not that hard and my parents are bribing me with a place to live which is much closer to my boyfriend than I am here. So why not? Its supposed to be vital to succeeding in this society. Plus, I enjoy learning, as long as its on my terms. Thats the part where I run into problems and get kicked out of schools and such (long story, if you don't already know too bad). Anyway, I'm finished rambling. I think I'm going to turn on the television, let it mesmorize me and stare at it blankly for an undetermined amount of time to avoid having deep conscious thoughts, because these thought's I'm having lately are draning me and driving me closer and closer (or deeper and deeper, rather) into insanity. Thanks for tuning in, folks. Good day!