My internet presence

10:55PM - DEATH

An excerpt from my written journal:
Today - Wendesday 20-02-08 approx. 18.30

'I WATCHED A WOMAN DIE TODAY. I watched "nurses" try to revive a dead corpse. I watched police collect information. I watch an ambulance pull up over 20 minutes after the call. The dispatch is 5 minutes away. I watched from across the street as they removed her clothes and used AED to bring a pulse to her heart, which had not been beating for 20 minutes or more. I should have done something more...I only watched.
Her skin was purple, her eyes rolled back, her mouth had froth at the corners. Her lungs were full of fluid, I could hear. [As it looked] She may have been pregnant, I don't know. All I'm sure of is that she was gone. [I watched her leave, watched her eyes roll back in her head]....I should be disturbed by this. Her family, she had a young infant son and a father, will attend a funeral to mourn her death. This woman, who should remain nameless to me [Gabrielle, I can't pretend I don't know it], was once with life. I wonder why it was taken away from her. It seemed so unnatural, the scene:
At the foot of the mountains, beside a parking lot, a car veers off the road and there's a woman inside, siezing. Ten minutes later, her breathing stops. Two minutes more, no pulse. Was it drugs? Disease?
How? Why? Does fate control when a person and how a person dies or is it under human control? Could someone have done something differently? [Could I have done something differently?], would this person have lived? If I had said something about how the girl was doing CPR (I don't think she was pushing hard enough) would the result be that this woman cam back, survived? *Maby if I hadn't been there she would have lived?*
I feel numb. I should talk to Ms. Martino.'


The realest of reality and I felt out of control. I couldn't think, I couldn't act, I was calm and collected but inefective. What the fuck was I supposed to do?!!?!?!

1:08AM - Jaron - I hope you read this and can help me

Okay, so randomly out of nowhere, ten hours before I'm supposed to leave, my computer decides that it just doesn't want to work properly anymore. I get an error message reading:
bcmwltry.exe (a file associated with my wireless card) - unable to locate component:
This application has failed to start because MFC71.DLL was not found. Reinstalling the application may fix this problem.
Well I didn't think to bring my wireless installation cd and I can't connect to the internet since my wireless program won't start so I'm screwed. I've tried everything, including installing my brother's wireless card on top of mine. I can't get on the internet. I'm number 69 in line to speak with a Dell Tech right now on my dad's computer and I'm supposed to get on a greyhound in seven hours. Perfect fucking timing!

5:12PM - Its been a while

Since I last posted, over a year ago, I have experienced a lot. To summarize, I am now a Marine Biology/Environmental Science Major/Chemistry Minor student at UNCW. I work at the university's Discover Outdoors Center, facilitating challenge courses, working at the climbing wall in the rec center and leading kayaking and other adventure trips. I receive a lot of training while working, some of which being outdoors skills, leadership, medicine, and many life lessons. I'm grateful for this opportunity. I also volunteered at the aquarium last summer, which helped me decide to become Scuba certified. I took a class at UNCW, then went to Florida on MLK weekend to take my skills assessment and open water dives. Over this past Christmas break, my roommate got a puppy. It was only six weeks old when he brought him home. I spent the last month babysitting and training him and I love him. He's so intelligent and obedient and sooo cute. There are pictures up on facebook - http://uncw.facebook.com/photos.php?id=587057561 - .
Now I leave for Australia tomorrow to study abroad. I'm very excited about it. A bit nervous, but more excited than anything. The few vague expectations that I have, I expect them to be inaccurate. I really have no idea what lies ahead of me and I love it. My plans are limited to travel accommodations and the fact that I'm going to be in Cairns, Australia on February 19th to go to school. Along the way, I don't know where I'm going to sleep at night or what I'm going to eat or who I'm going to meet. I know I am leaving tomorrow morning at 8am on a greyhound from Charlotte, NC to Los Angeles, CA. It will take almost two and a half days to ride across the country. I'm bringing two books, some magazines, my laptop with 18Gigs of music, some xanax and my flask. When I get to LA, I'm meeting up with my friend Jaron who's living in/near Santa Barbara right now. I'm staying in LA for two nights and then on Wednesday I'm flying to Brisbane, Australia. I'm staying there for ten days before I fly to Cairns. And that is the extent of my plans.
I'm kind of numb to it all right now. I don't like getting upset about things like leaving familiar places and faces so I try to...well, I'm not ignoring it...its hard to explain. I'm sad to leave my boyfriend and my roommates and my family and my cats and my puppy but I'm really okay with it. I'll be back in the states in five months and they will have changed and I will have changed. So it will be more like meeting more new people than seeing old people again. In my opinion at least. It happens every time I leave a place for a good amount of time: the people I expected to come back to were different and I had to "meet them" all over again. I noticed it especially with close friends like Bob and my boyfriend Anthony. Over a year or so, a person can change their appearance, ideas, opinions, morals, supply of knowledge, etc to an extent that they have become like a new person. Its an interesting thing to observe. I'm excited to see who my puppy, Dusty, becomes in six months. I'm excited to see who I become....

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: watching Steve Erwin

10:53PM - WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

WHY do I do these things when I know they'll turn out bad before I do them? I must be out to get me. Thats it! Damn you Nicole! Always trying to hurt me!
I owe one credit card $570, another over $700, I have to pay my car payment, insurance payment and cell phone bills before the 11th of September. Still I sit on my ass all day watching movies and staring at the computer montior dong nothing cept drinking a lot and stuffing my face, while I could be out looking for a job. I mean, to be honest I did apply at three places but I shouldn't be so picky when I need money so badly. Its just that I don't want to wake up every morning miserable and dreading the day ahead of me. I'm happy lately. I enjoy being happy (as do most people, i suppose) and not having to go to some menial, torturous job everyday helps me stay bright and happy....but these stupid credit companies and banks keep giving me 1000-2000 dollar spending limits and I, like a fool, bite the bait thinking 'oh, i'll be working soon enough.' I've already borrowed $800 from my mom for books and setting up my apt, I can't ask for any more. I haven't had a job since June and its been great but its time to buckle down and be miserable again. The vacation was much needed and much appreciated but its over now, Nicole. Suck it up...Goddamn it. I just hope I can handle 17 credits at school and a job at the same time. Thats another reason why I was procrastinating around getting a job so soon, to figure out how much I could handle without stretching myself too thin and causing a major burnout. I have ambitions now. I know what I want to do with my life. I want to and am looking forward to three more years of school to get my bachelors degrees in both Marine Biology and Environmental Science and then to work and finance my way through Graduate school in the same fields. I want to work in the water, on the water, playing, observing, collecting samples, doing tests and experiments, I want to make a difference or be a part of a team that has the same goals as I do. That will make me happy, I think. I will get to travel. I will be earning my own living instead of mooching off my parents. I will finally make them proud and give them back everything that they've sacrificed for me for the past 20 years. Another goal of mine, while I'm on the subject, is to learn how to fly a plane. In the next ten years or so. I want to bring my dad up into the air in a litle sporty prop plane like a cessna turbo skylane or something like that....he wanted to join the air force when he was young, it was his dream to fly planes but he'd never gotten the chance because the air force denied him due to his poor eyesight and he didn't have the money to learn on his own. I want to give him that experience, I want to teach him to fly. Plus, I, myself, think it would be totally rad to be flying up there in the sky, 20k miles above the earth, up with the birds and the clouds. I love it up there, nearly alone, soaring above the world I hate...when I have the dough, I definitely am going to persue that. I finally feel like I am in the right place, on the right path, in the direction I want to be travelling. I wish I weren't alone in it but if that's what I have to do, so be it. I can do it. I can do anything I put my mind to....almost....I still can't do cartwheels..... But I feel like getting off long island was a fresh start for me. There, everyone I knew associated me with the drug scene or the delinquint scene or whatever from my high school mistakes. Well, i don't think they were mistakes as much as necessary experiences on the road to becoming who I am today and who I'm to become in the future. Anyway, I can make new friends down here and I will try my hardest to make the right decisions and maybe be more particular about who I get attached to (ie. don't become friends with dopeheads because you see the beautiful soul trapped inside and you want to save them). Yes, its time to focus on me and where I'm going. Learn who I really am, because up until this point I haven't been too sure....
I just realized that I'm rambling really badly...Time to wrap it up. Unitl next time folks -- xoxo

Current mood: dorky

Current music: Eric Clapton

1:29AM - I think it described be pretty well

You have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until you know a person well. You keep your warm side inside, like a fur-lined coat. When you are care, you care deeply, but are more likely to show your feeling by deeds rather than words. You are very faithful to duties and obligations related to things or people you care about.

You take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by your inner ideals and personal values. You stick to your values with passionate conviction, but can be influenced by someone you care deeply about. Although your inner loyalties and ideals govern your lives, you find these hard to talk about. Your deepest feelings are seldom expressed; your inner tenderness is masked by quiet reserve.

In everyday activities you are tolerant, open-mind, flexible, and adaptable. If one of your inner loyalties is threatened, though, you will not give and inch. You usually enjoy the present moment, and do not like to spoil it by rushing to get thing done. You have little wish to impress or dominate. The people you prize the most are those who take the time to understand your values and the goals you are working toward.

You are interested mainly in the realities brought to you by your senses, both inner and outer. You are apt to enjoy fields where taste, discrimination, and a sense of beauty and proportion are important. You have a special love of nature and a sympathy with animals. You often excel in craftsmanship and the work of your hands is usually more eloquent than words.

You are twice as good when working at a job that you believe in, since your feeling adds energy to your efforts. You see the needs of the moment and try to meet them. You want your work to contribute to something that matters to you-- human understanding, happiness, or health. You want to have a purpose beyond your paycheck, no matter how big the check. You are perfectionists whenever you deeply care about something, and are particularly suited for work that requires both devotion and a large measure of adaptability.

The problem for you is that you may feel such a contrast between your inner ideals and your actual accomplishments that you may burden yourself with a sense of inadequacy. This can be true even when you are being as effective as others. You take for granted anything you do well and are the most modest of all the types, tending to underrate and understate yourself.

It is important for you to find practical ways to express your ideals; otherwise you will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. If you find no actions to express your ideal, you can become too sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in yourself. Actually, you have much to give and need only to find the spot where you are needed.

12:26AM - reference to the past entry

A few years ago I was friends with a real cool girl named katie. I'm not very good at being a friend to people, her included, and to top it off I insulted her after we hadn't spoken for months. I miss her and wish I didn't fuck things up. Theres other poeple who I wish I hadn't parted on bad terms with as well, some of them I miss and some of them I don't. Anyway, I just hate ending a relationship with negative feelings because it lingers, you know?

Current mood: drunk

Current music: refrigerator hum

12:47AM - time travel

It would be really convenient if one were able to go back in time and fix the things one did that totally ruined an awesome relationship with another individual. Then one wouldn't have to deal with those awful and unpleasant emotions they call regret and guilt...T'is a shame, t'is a shame...

Current mood: lonely

Current music: islands

12:48AM - new word :-)

Violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets more violence begets nobody left to be violent towards......

4:44PM - Morning news

I think our internet access is censored. I wasn't able to view a few islamic pages that I had addresses for...

Today's top stories:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/21/world/middleeast/21mideast.html?th&emc=th

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/21/world/americas/21venez.html?th&emc=th

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5269688.stm

Current mood: hungry

Current music: dispatch

3:05AM - Burn Things

I like fire

>:-D = maniacal grin

Current mood: creative

Current music: johnny cash

6:06PM - Day three

Today is Monday. I got here, at my new apt in Wilmington, Saturday evening. Later that night my boyriend, Noofer and I went to pick up beers and relax at the beach for a while after our long drive. It feels sooooo amazing to be back on the water. I can't say why but I just feel lost when there isn't an ocean nearby. We all went back on Saturday to try and find some nugs and Noof was checkin out the college girls, although I'm surprised how few there were. Maybe because school hasn't started yet and its still vacation season for rich families. Anyway, my mom, my brother and the boys all left Sunday and I've been kickin it here in my apt since then. I think I've already blown through about $250 on necessities and groceries. I don't know how they expect a person to make it on their own in this god forsaken world. I wish my boyfriend could've moved out here with me. He'd love it here and we'd be able to collaborate resources and, above all, be together. Oh well, before long he'll be finished with school and hopefully he'll be able to join me. I do like this place, a lot. Its a cozy apt with a big bathroom and bedroom. The kitchen and living room could be bigger but considering I can't afford to buy furniture, I suppose it doesn't really matter. It's equipped with central air and heating, the shower gets scalding hot (++) I've got plenty of storage space, cabinets and drawers...its a nice little place for the price. I'm kinda not liking the lack of windows and lighting. I'm going to have to buy some lamps. Its too dark and gloomy in here. Unpacking is a bitch but at least it's keeping me busy. I was afraid I'd go stir crazy with nothing to do and no friends in a strange place. Today I went to the store and bought a wireless internet card and am currently mooching off my neighbor's modem, heh heh heh. 40 bucks for unlimited internet access, not a bad deal. I'm missing Kings Park less and less as the days go on. Except for the people and the familiarity, there isn't much there that isn't available down here. In fact its eerily similar. Only difference is I'm on the ocean, not the sound. The surf is much better and I get the ocean breeze at my apartment in the mornings. I'm dying to get a boat to take out on the water. That reminds me, I've got to find a job.....

Current mood: bouncy

Current music: Incubus

7:30PM - Mother

I think nature is truely magnificent. Nothing comes close the the awesome power of mother nature. Today I spent the afternoon wandering nature trails in the Latta Plantation Nature Preserve. It ticks me off that people consider land veined with power lines, trails, paved roads and buildings a "piece of wilderness". It might be protected from certain damage and abuses that have demolished a large portion of our planet but it is in no way wild.
Anyway, my walk was enjoyable (aside from my crippling menstrual cramps). I spotted a few of the coolest little frogs I've ever seen. They camouflaged to the environment they were chillin' in and were only about the size of my third metacarpal on index finger. I also caught a glimse of this wicked spider. It was huge! Like the size of my fist huge. He was sittin on this monster web he made in this old tree stump. There were also some raptors and falcons and stuff flying above my head. There's a big lake down at the end of the peninsula, I think it's lake Wylie. I want to kayak it sometime later in the season, when it's cooler out. To top off my day of natural thrills, there was a sick thunderstorm rolling in as the sun set. THe lightning was doing this fabulous branching phenomena through the clouds in the sky. It would flash in the distance three times and then BOOM - a regular lightening bolt from the ground to the sky would turn horizontal and create a giant electric tree in the sky. This went on for about two hours. First I experienced it hanging out by lake Norman and then I went back to my boyfriend's apt and climbed onto the roof, attempting to take pictures. I don't think I captured any, though. Overall good day.
I miss my boyfriend. I wish he'd get back fromt he store already. He seems funny towards me lately. I wonder what I'm doing wrong....

Current mood: content

Current music: railroad earth

5:23PM - 1 week

I've been down here in North Carolina for over a week now. Its already startin to feel like home. Too bad I have to move again in another week and do it all over again, this time alone. Oh well, I'll will survive!!!! I'm kinda excited to get back on the beaches. I'm not fond of being this far from the ocean. I grew up on the water, it feels unnatural to be so far away. Went skeet shootin yesturday and this afternoon. Had a lot of fun even tho I sucked. Shot my boyfriend's and his friend's 12 guages and a .38 pistol. Much different than just shootin off bb's at tin cans. I want to go again before I leave. I also want to visit the library around here and read up on this stuff 'cause when they all talk about guns and huntin and shit I'm completely lost. I ask questions and stuff but I'm afraid of gettin on their nerves with too many of them.
It rains here every night. I like it.

I like cheese, too. The end.

Current mood: for blood ;-D

11:29AM - Bored

North Carolina is pretty fuckin dull. My boyfriend's down here and that's cool. Most of his friends are pretty chill people, but most all they ever talk about is cars and bikes and motors and stuff. I wish I were 21 so I could get into bars and meet new people. I also wish I knew my way around, I keep gettin lost :-/. Kinda homesick too. I miss my bedroom and the psych center and the bluff and all the people up in NY that I left. I feel guilty too because I don't want to stay at my parent's new house with them because we have no furniture and it makes me sad to be there, but they miss me and my brother is locked up in the house by himself grounded 'cause he got in trouble for drinkin and lyin about where he was. My fam is mad stressed out and shit and the house is too tense to tolerate so I'm always out. But I'm tired of goin out drinkin with my boyfriend's friends and there's nothing else to do. I can't wait to go to Wilmington and move into my own apartment. I've heard from a few friends that the people there are real chill, most of the guys surf and everyone rides bikes around. I wanna get a boat so badly, I'm savin up for a downpayment and I gotta find a job so I can pay for financing. I can't do anything until I get out there though, so I've got two weeks to kill. I think we're all going down to the lake now so I'm out.

Current mood: melancholy

Current music: dave matthews

10:22PM - Living in NC

Just got to my parent's new house. Its pretty big. Central air is a great plus. I have a million boxes of junk that I don't want to unpack. Im really tired from the drive. Going to bed. Good bye.

Current mood: exhausted

Current music: myth busters

12:26PM - Moving

Okay, today is the day. I'm leaving for North Carolina sometime this fine tuesday. Goodbye Kings Park. Goodbye Long Island. Goodbye New York. Hope all goes well down there. I'm sort of excited about going. Not so excited about moving into a strange city and getting an apartment on my own, but its cool. I'm sure I'll find some really cool people down there. My cousin, who has had a house there, says the people are all really relaxed and friendly and a lot of them like surfing and water sports and shit. I want to get a boat after I get settled in. So yea, I guess I am pretty happy about moving. Its a lot cheaper down there and I get to start fresh. I hate the people on this stupid island. I'll miss a few of them and they'd better come to visit me but it'll all fall into place. Kay, time to pack. TTFN

Current mood: drained

10:28PM

3:14PM - What happened?

I think the world has gone mad. It was a gradual degression into insanity and recently hit the fan. Fasten your seatbelts folks, its going to be a hell of a ride. Emphasis on the 'HELL'. I bid you adieu.



Just kidding. It seems I have more to say. Bush is a pathetic fucking prick of a president. I STILL can't tell if he's a dunce or if they've got him drugged or something. How....just how?!?! We're fucked! That's it! Doomed! We're trapped here in this godforsaken country with noone protecting us. Nobody else wants us 'Bad Americans' within their borders and our own government is only protecting its own interets, even if that means bringing on the apocalypse. Get ready to defend yourselves, kids. Its a good thing that guns and ammo are as simple and inexpensive to purchase as buying tampons in this country, huh?

"War is a stupid waste of everything!"

"You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye,
when the earth folded in on itself
and said good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there but i wouldn't hold my breath.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?"

Current mood: anxious

Current music: Modest Mouse - Float on

9:48PM - plans for the near future

saturday (8th) - foreverman & joebrown at west babylon VFW, sheesha with sheldon
next thursday (13th) - six flags!!! You should come!
next saturday (15th) - siren fest at Coney Island
next sunday (16th) - Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when I get home (between 20th and 23rd) - driving to my new home in North Carolina :-/

Current mood: full

Current music: random people screaming

10:06PM - Bonnaroo

Alright, so I went to Bonnaroo this past weekend...didn't exactly go as planned but I still had a lot of fun. I'm dissapointed that it was cut short. I got there a day and a half late, missing a bunch of bands that I would've loved to see including Ben Folds, Bright Eyes and Oysterhead :-(. I did get to see Damien Marley, Buddy Guy (who I'd never heard of before, awesome blues artist), Radiohead, Matisyahu (sp?), Moe, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones (fuckin crazy). I had an awesome time, although I'm not too into dancing and my boyfriend is which made me feel like I was holdin him back from enjoying his time there. Sunday night I decided to dose myself and Ant. I wound up wiggin out, which was embarrassing and traumatic. I did a bunch things (which will remain untold) that I wish I could go back in time and take back. So all in all, I was only really there for a day and a half, not including the time I spent tripping because I really wasn't all there.
Concequently, I've made a resolution to myself: no more acid. In fact, no more drugs at all besides pot and alcohol (which, btw, I'm cutting back on). No more dealing either. I don't think I fit in very well at Bonnaroo. I felt out of place most of the time I was there. I had fun but...I just don't know. There's just a part of me that felt wrong, awkward.
Oh well, it was a good time anyway. I got to see my boyfriend, which was great. I love every second I spend in his presence. Its horrible only seeing him a few days every month or so. It hurts so badly. Its become so that I feel more comfortable talking with him on the phone than being with him personally. Thats a wierd feeling to have towards someone you love more than anything in the world. I just don't know how to act around him anymore. He's different, I'm different...there's no time to adjust to one another and get familiarized before its time to leave again. Its breaking my heart. I'm almost at the point where I'm ready to give up on the whole thing. But the thought of that hurts even more. I'm torn over it. What does one do in a situation like this? I'm moving a little closer to him in a month, but even then I'll be four hours away and preoccupied with school and work and extracurricular activities and I won't be able to see him as often as I'd like. Its just not fair and it won't stop eating away at me....
Enough bitching, I have a ton of homework to finish since I didn't do diddlysquat all weekend.
TTFN

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: Dispatch - Sommerville